Deep breaths, Chris. This is no more and no less than a stock British columnist at work.

To put in dodgy python: –

def_init_Columnist(grotesque, issue, idiot, synonym)
    insert.Columnist("%")
tuple(grotesque, issue, idiot, synonym),(silly old bat, private equity, Tony Benn, obviously)

print "Oh, I’m just a [%grotesque] and I don’t understand
[%supposedly complicated issue], but surely [%idiot] must be right
because their opinion [%synonym for "suits my prejudices"]" trick."

in.mainloop
   

The parameters of Columnist could also take the values "silly girl",
"stereotype ineffectual middle class twerp", "global warming", "Islam",
"terrorism", "Britney Spears", "Sir Ian Blair", "Lord Goldsmith",
"David Cameron", "common sense" etc.

Yeah, I know I need a template engine to do this properly, but it is
actually true that we could replace her with a simple script.

He really isn’t all impressed with this particular columnist.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I’d gladly pay more for the paper if they guaranteed less of her.

Still, in her defense, he’s also written a stock Worstall column. Didn’t even have to use code to do that he didn’t, so she is at least more complex than I.