A breathless report about the fact that almost all bank notes in the UK carry traces of cocaine.

Cocaine use is now so widespread that everyone in Britain is carrying around traces of the drug – on their banknotes.

A
study of cash from around the country has revealed that 99.9 per cent
of all banknotes now carry traces of the class A drug, a level only
previously seen in cocaine hotspots such as London.

The
research, by forensic scientists at the Bristol-based company Mass Spec
Analytical, showed that even currency circulating in rural areas is
almost always contaminated with the drug.

One slightly unfortunate thing is that the report does not go on to say why this is so. Yes, cocaine use is widespread but not so much that each and every note has been used to snort. The culprit is not Kate Moss, demanding a new £50 note every 15 minutes. Rather, it is that when Pete goes and spends a used £50 on some fags, this enters the banking chain where it is counted mechanically. The rollers on the counting machines become tainted and then taint every other note that passes through them.

It isn’t the massive use of cocaine per se that is causing this pollution. It’s the fact that we all get our money from ATMs.

There’s probably a paper in there somewhere for an economics nerd. The effect of cocaine (or using it to measure) changes in the velocity of circulation of M0. Work with the Bank of England to identify a new series of unpolluted notes, then work with the clearing banks’ counting houses to see how long it takes to become so.